Every time I leave philosophy class I feel like my mind is always blown and today’s discussion really got me thinking. Today we were discussing determinism, indeterminism, and agency theory and whether we believed that everything happens for a reason and if God has a plan for us. Which got me thinking, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. However, today we were talking about whether or not we have free will or not. I feel like we have free will over the little things that happen to us in our life, like what we have for lunch or when we decide to take a shower. Yes I can see how God would have us planned to take a shower at this set time so we don’t miss something, but I mean I don’t understand why God would waste his power on that. I feel like, however, God does have a plan for us for the larger things in life. For example, the night before The Cab concert, after I got off work I was planning on heading home, but when I got in the car something was telling me not to go home. Even before I went to work something was telling me to bring extra clothes; and thanks to that little voice, I was able to meet and hang out with The Cab (I need to make a post about that night btw). Stuff like that I believe happens for a reason. Like for my senior prom, I went through 4 prom dates and every single one said they’d take me but ended up backing out me. Turning out the week before prom, I got mono. Obviously I think that is one reason why God never let me have a prom date, and also I realized how much prom was without a prom date. So I guess what I am saying is I believe in the agency theory, that we are the doer of some of our actions, however, I believe in determinism when it comes to the larger things in our lives. I just thought I’d share some of that college education with you today. 

When you think about it, fighting for a friendship is the most ridiculous thing someone could do. If you have to fight for someone to be your friend, then really they never were your friend. Frankly, if we weren’t friends anymore I honestly wouldn’t lose sleep over it. I understand that it’s wrong to talk about someone behind their back, but I guess that’s why guys and girls can’t be friends. Guys don’t comprehend that it’s just something girls do. We’re all secretly all bitches and just talk about anybody and their momma to our girls. It’s our way of venting, and most of the time we rarely mean any of the shit that comes out of our mouths. I wish that was something you would realize. I wonder if you will ever read this, I wonder if anyone will read this. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I ever talked bad about you behind your back, I’m sorry you did you wrong, I’m sorry for the friendships I ended, I’m sorry for the people I hurt. I never meant any of it, mostly. Forgive me? 

The fact that you wanna say I’m a terrible best friend is the ironic thing you have ever said, cause baby you are one to freaking talk. I have stood up for your ass so many times, hell you should be glad I saved your ass and didn’t tell your girlfriend that you fucking kissed me. Maybe she would believe it, maybe she wouldn’t, but still. I don’t think you understand that I could ruin your relationship like that. But have I? No. A best friend wouldn’t do that. Obviously I’m not apparently. You say I go and talk shit about you behind your back and that I apparently said I never wanted to be your friend again, yet you’re over there acting like a saint. You called me out on twitter. Yeah you may had mentioned me once, but still, if I had not read my newsfeed I wouldn’t have seen the other two tweets where you said my name, my full fucking name. Low blow dude. Calling someone out on twitter is just as equal to talking about them behind their back. Yeah I know you said the girl who asked who you were talking about is what made you say my full name, but still you could’ve ignored it and not answered it. Ever think about that? No, of course you didn’t cause you only care about your damn self and you’re stupid ass girlfriend. And yes, yes I was being honest when I said I hated your girlfriend. She’s too young for you and granted homegirl needs to eat a cheeseburger cause she is too fucking skinny. You said I was acting all bestie bestie with her at your birthday, homeboy that was because I was being cordial and mature, something you need to learn. I’m not going to be a fucking bitch to her face in public, that’s called being rude. I mean you freaking act like this girl is your wife, I bet when you get to college that girl will be dumped flat on her feet. You know why? Cause you’re scum. You sit there and check out other girls, hit on other girls, hang out privately with other girls, KISS OTHER GIRLS. You’re a cheater. I don’t understand how I was ever able to stay best friends with you when I knew that you were always like this. You always make it out to seem like I’m always the bad guy, but if you read between the lines, it’s always you. You wanna know why you’re circle is so small? It’s not cause you can’t trust people, it’s cause you push people away. No one wants to put up with your selfish bullshit, they get sick of being blamed. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and take the blame and just say you were wrong for once? Oh wait, your pride is too big for that. I admitted I was wrong —mea culpa, but what else do you want me to say? I’m sorry? Because I am, but obviously that has nothing to do with the situation in your mind. I guess you win some, you lose some. The sad thing is, I lost a friend. I even realized who I could trust and who would rat me out to someone who isn’t even their friend. I should have listened to one of my friends, she always said that you were a bad friend and that I should never have trust in you. She was right all along. You never made me fully happy, in fact the main thing you did was stress me the fuck out. I hate that I had to learn the hard way. In the end I know I’ll be better on without you. Deuces, douche.

1. Get a new piercing or tattoo
2. Go to the beach
3. Go to Carowinds
4. Midnight road trip to the beach
5. Hike a mountain
6. Pool almost everyday
7. Watch the sunrise
8. Watch the sunset
9. Go on a picnic
10. Go roller skating
11. Make a new friend
12. Get a great body
13. Get tan!
14. Go to the zoo
15. Go camping
16. Bonfire
17. Pull an all-nighter
18. Dance in the rain
19. Get a fake ID
20. Ride a horse
21. Go skinny dipping
22. Go to Wet N Wild
23. Drink.
24. Smoke.
25. ROOAADDD TRRRIPPPPP

It hurts that I have been forcing myself to eat these past weeks. I’m only forcing myself to eat because I don’t want to go to therapy again, let alone rehab. Why did I have to end up with a roommate and friends who have flat stomach and skinny legs. I let this obsession control before and I don’t want it to control me again. I just feel like happier when I don’t eat and I feel like I’m getting skinner. It pains me that I just ate a large fries and a sweet tea because I was tried of the headaches. I’m not asking for attention, I’m just wanting to vent and I can’t vent to my friends. Tumblr really is my safety net.