I hate that I can be perfectly fine during the day and in public just by putting on this mask, but as soon as I’m alone in my room, I break. You started to haunt my dreams now. I don’t dream about falling in love anymore. I mean I do have dreams about love, but I consider them more of nightmares of you loving someone other than me. I go to asleep to stop thinking, to escape you....
I sometimes wonder if he really is who I’m supposed to be with or not because of all his flaws he posses and how he constantly leads me on. But then I think, I wouldn’t feel this way for him unless I accepted his flaws. The flaws that turned me off from other guys. There’s a reason they didn’t turn me off when I met him. There’s a reason I’m still standing here. There’s a reason God has me in...
This Slope is Treacherous.
“Put lips close to mine, as long as they don’t touch” - Taylor Swift And that is exactly what I should have done. I don’t know where it all started and how we got where we are now, but the ride there still seems like a complete blur to me. I don’t understand anything that you do or say anymore. Granted in this short little time that we have known each other,...
I Guess That's Deja Vu.
Fuck you. Why do I always start my blogs off with fuck you lately? I just don’t understand how you can kiss a girl and make out with her and cuddle with her and then say you fucked up and didn’t mean to kiss me. Sounds like deja vu, doesn’t it? You were just like him. How can you go and tell me I make you happy but yet I make you so nervous, but you don’t want to be more...
Dear God, I just really want to do well at my dance company audition tonight. I just want to make the intermediate movement team. I really don’t want to have to leave the All Time Low concert early, but if I have to I will. Lord, just give me the grace and strength you may to let me do good tonight. This is what I want the most right now, not to fit in and have friends but to have fun and dance...
He Has the Upper Hand.
Every time I leave philosophy class I feel like my mind is always blown and today’s discussion really got me thinking. Today we were discussing determinism, indeterminism, and agency theory and whether we believed that everything happens for a reason and if God has a plan for us. Which got me thinking, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. However, today we were...
When you think about it, fighting for a friendship is the most ridiculous thing someone could do. If you have to fight for someone to be your friend, then really they never were your friend. Frankly, if we weren’t friends anymore I honestly wouldn’t lose sleep over it. I understand that it’s wrong to talk about someone behind their back, but I guess that’s why guys and...
You Win Some, You Lose Some.
The fact that you wanna say I’m a terrible best friend is the ironic thing you have ever said, cause baby you are one to freaking talk. I have stood up for your ass so many times, hell you should be glad I saved your ass and didn’t tell your girlfriend that you fucking kissed me. Maybe she would believe it, maybe she wouldn’t, but still. I don’t think you understand that I...
2012 SUMMER BUCKETLIST
Get a new piercing or tattoo Go to the beach Go to Carowinds Midnight road trip to the beach Hike a mountain Pool almost everyday Watch the sunrise Watch the sunset Go on a picnic Go roller skating Make a new friend Get a great body Get tan! Go to the zoo Go camping Bonfire Pull an all-nighter Dance in the rain Get a fake ID Ride a horse Go skinny dipping Go to Wet N Wild ...
It hurts that I have been forcing myself to eat these past weeks. I’m only forcing myself to eat because I don’t want to go to therapy again, let alone rehab. Why did I have to end up with a roommate and friends who have flat stomach and skinny legs. I let this obsession control before and I don’t want it to control me again. I just feel like happier when I don’t eat and I feel like I’m getting...
I feel like I’m suddenly running out of time. Time just keeps passing by, but I keep thinking it doesn’t matter how small you feel. I don’t really know what I am trying to say here. Words are jumbled up in my mind and I am misunderstanding my heart this time. My heart is saying try, take a chance, maybe something could happen. But then my mind is saying are you serious? Think...
Players Keep Playin.
It actually hurts when guys tell me that they want to have sex with me. No guy has really ever told me that they want to date me. It makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being someone’s girlfriend, that they just look at me like a piece of meat. It makes me feel degrading and low of a person, and that no one will ever truly love me.
Dirty Little Secret.
And it’s like all of a sudden, I forget that it’s you who’s texting me. It’s like when you talk to me, I can see you as a different person, it’s almost like you care about what I want and give me the upper hand. I just wish you wanted me as me, and not just as your little secret.
I see my friends getting all these guys and I see those guys chasing after them and I just sit there, invisible. No guy ever hits on me or ask my friend for my number. No guy is ever nervous to talk to me. People say I’m pretty and a catch but when no one wants to chase me, how am I supposed to feel? Invisible. Useless. Ugly. Not special. I just want someone to finally want me. I want you to...
Freak the Freak Out.
Once in a while I get to the stage when I like someone that I just don’t care anymore and give up because I feel like they don’t care and they just want me to shut up because I’m annoying him. That’s one thing I hate about being a girl. I fucking overanalyze everything, when my friends tell me that that isn’t even running through his mind, that guys don’t care...
Ticking Time Bomb.
I’ve been in a rut, been going back and forth too much. I’ve been concerned with trying to survive rather than trying to live. I see life as a project and not as a game. Life to me lately has been a marathon, when it should just be a day in the sun. I’ve been too concerned about everybody else, about school and shit, that I never really focused on where the time has gone. My...
Bitches Are All Talk and No Action.
I’m sorry but if you have the nerve to talk some serious shit about a group of people, you better have some damn nerve to say it to their face. If you wanna start something and start drama, you obviously have no life because if you can just sit there and think that you are better than somebody or you think that tearing someone down makes you more powerful, you are fucking wrong. It does nothing...
Goodbye Almost Lover.
I need to accept the fact that you’re probably never coming back into my life. I need actually move on and stop pretending and lying to myself that maybe you actually do or did at some point actually care about me, cause the truth is you never did. I never expected this whole situation to happen, if anything I thought it would be with Jesse, not you. I see your face on strangers on the...
Sending Out An SOS.
College. It’s a total different world that I was introduced to yesterday. I woke up thinking, “wow, it’s actually here.” Still in shock that I made it here, but so still willingly to get out of this purgatory of a school. Not as much of a purgatory that high school was (I mean, we all know that story and hell hole), but still a purgatory itself as a town and location. I...
A Change in Space...
So the debate of me wanting to transfer college is till a topic of discussion. My heart is still on UNCW, but my friend wants me to transfer to the college she’s at. The school she goes to is a really good school, especially for theatre, I mean freaking Sandra Bullock went there. Problem is, if I go to her school, it’s gonna be like senior year all over again. Hint, senior year is the...
Can't Do Better.
Why would you ask your ex girlfriend your opinion of your new girlfriend? You want my honest opinion, here it is. She’s fucking ugly as fuck and has no personality. You told me you weren’t dating her cause of her looks, well obviously. Everyone came up to me after you started dating her and was like “Why did he dump you you for that?” Can you say downgrade? You said you...
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.
I can’t believe you actually made us feel sorry for you. Who in the fucking world lies about losing their virginity to their best friends? Obviously you little miss liar, liar, pants on fire. That’s so pathetic. “We had sex for like 20 minutes and afterwards I told him to hold me and he cuddled with me for like so long…” Bullshit. You don’t think your friends...
Welcome Class of 2015!
I move into my college dorm in 9 days. Just typing that sentence makes me nervous. I don’t know what to think or even how to feel at this moment. Granted yes, I will be living with my best friend and yes, my parents only live 45 minutes away from the campus, but still! Don’t get me wrong I am super excited that I will finally get to live my life the way I want without having any curfew...
I Unlove You.
I don’t love you anymore. I used to be so in love with you, since that day back in June of 2010 when you kissed me. But I don’t love you anymore, I can’t even like you. I don’t see how anyone can love you. Cause you won’t let anyone into your life or heart. All you are is a heartless jerk. Cause who do you think you are, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing...
Are you like embarrassed to hang out with me or something? Why don’t you just give me a chance, jerk? Cause I think we could make a good team if you actually tried. But you’re too busy being a douchebag.
You had me laying on your lap, starring up at you. You kissed me last night underneath those beautiful stars, then you texted me saying you can’t be with me? Fuck you douche bag.
I like my best friend's bother.
There I finally admitted it. I like him. Now what?
How Stupid Can You Be?
You would go and your fucking ass arrested at beach week asshole. How stupid can you be? “I was just… Uh holding it for a friend…” Fucking dumb ass. If you had called me, I would have not bailed your ass out of jail, I’d let you rot there and call your mother. I was right though, knew this day would come sooner or later. I guess Hannah isn’t the only one who has a thing for criminals now.
I Now Present the Class of 2011.
I graduate tomorrow. That’s scary. It still hasn’t even hit me yet, it doesn’t feel real at all. I went to graduation practice today and I just felt out of place, like it wasn’t real, like I’m not actually graduating. Tomorrow is going to be awful, but happy. Half the people in that coliseum I will not even miss, nor even remember, but the peole that I actually care...
I just wish I was naturally pretty.
So I'm Breaking Up with You....
To be candid, the only reason I became friends with you was so I could become friends with your friends and your boyfriend. Now that I’m friends with them, I really don’t want to be friends with you anymore. I know that may seem like a bitchy move, but I can’t stand you honestly. You’re annoying as crap and you’re so clingy it’s ridiculous. I feel bad that I...
You Confuse the Fuck Out of Me.
I never thought anything would have ever happened between us. I remember that little blonde skater lacrosse player kid I met sophomore year, I just saw him as my friends brother. I liked you at most 2 weeks, that’s it. You’re sister was even fine with it then. Then you had to ask if I wanted to hook up. You texted me asking to hook up with you, knowing I was vulnerable since my ex has...